Don’t Be An A-Hole: 6 Red Flags for Tops!
Top turmoil leaving you with an unsatisfactory experience? In this edition of Queeries, Bobby Box breaks down how to spot the red flags of inconsiderate tops.
Topping is more work than we often give credit for. Yes, bottoming may be more challenging in many aspects, but sex isn't a competition, and it shouldn't discount the fact that we should all be more compassionate and encouraging of our positional counterparts. Tops to bottoms, and bottoms to tops.
Too many of us have had that top who has been too aggressive, too selfish, too rude. But at the same time, we've had tops who've made us feel cared for, satisfied, and respected. This month's Queeries column is to acknowledge the former; the qualities in a top that, should there ever be a Yelp-style app for sex (but for everyone's sake, let's hope there's not), would get them absolutely eviscerated for being so careless.
Here are six red flags for tops that you ought to know.
THEY DON'T WANT US TO USE LUBE.
Any top who complains that lube robs them of sensation deserves the door and a block on whatever app you found them on.
The anal canal does not lubricate itself like, say, a vulva, and therefore requires lube not only to make penetration comfortable but to avoid things like hemorrhoids, skin tags, fissures, and micro-tears. Cosmetically, these outcomes aren't all that appealing, they don't feel fret, and they can be easily avoided.
THEY SKIP FOREPLAY.
The booty asks that you knock before you enter, otherwise you're just intruding. By this I mean the booty-hole needs to be warmed up before it's penetrated. This is true for everyone no matter their experience level. While some holes may be more relaxed than others, they still benefit from some wining and dining.
Arousal helps relax the hole, so kissing, rubbing, and stroking are all helpful here. For some direct booty action, you can rub the hole, lick on the hole, finger the hole, penetrate the hole with your warm tongue or a small vibrating anal toy, massage the cheeks; truly whatever you're both comfortable with is on the table.
THEY CHALLENGE YOUR BOUNDARIES.
Sexually, every person has things they enjoy, as well as things that are a hard "NO". A boundary is a boundary, and we need to respect them. Nobody should be pressed further on what they've expressed they aren't ok with in the bedroom.
Safe words are never a bad idea, and many find the red light/green light system an effective way to navigate kinks and sexual acts on a more nuanced level. Remember: consent and boundaries can be revoked at any time. What might feel OK in one moment, perhaps doesn't in another.
THEY ASK IF YOU'RE "CLEAN".
This is a harmful and stigmatizing rhetoric and not OK in any circumstance. When we use words like "clean" to describe STI and HIV statuses, we're implying that someone who tests positive is somehow dirty, bad, undesirable, irresponsible, and other stigmas inaccurately associated with HIV. Which, of course, is not only untrue but reinforces a painful and inhumane history with the virus.
People living with HIV can live perfectly healthy lives when undetectable and are just as safe to have sex with anybody else, since the viral levels are so low that they cannot be passed on to another person via sex. Undetectable equals untransmittable, it is a scientific fact.
THEY GO ALL-IN RIGHT AWAY.
A top who shoves their whole penis/toy into a hole in one thrust is one of the worst things they can do. It traumatizes your hole and can make your entire body go into shock. Again, the hole needs a little romance first. It's a muscle that requires a bit of warm up. Something as simple as placing a sex toy with a vibrating tip on the anus can help the muscle open a little.
The best way to enter a bottom is slowly, inch by inch, communicating (or reading body language) throughout. If they suddenly stiffen up or express discomfort, pull out and re-evaluate how to proceed.
THEY DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR EFFORT.
This one is all about respect. Some tops expect ass whenever they want it, but anal, for some, requires preparation. The hole that's being penetrated has a primary purpose of evacuating poop from our bodies, and some people feel more comfortable douching, taking fiber supplements, and eating in a specific way before they bottom in an attempt to clear the canal. So for some bottoms, spontaneous sex isn't something they're open to. It needs to be planned ahead of time.
There is no surefire method to prevent mess from happening. So if a bottom isn't feeling well, or Hell, they're feeling lazy and don't want to douche, it's their prerogative and totally valid.
As you can see, being a good top is largely about consideration and understanding anal anatomy. It isn't that hard. What can be difficult, however, is navigating real scenarios like erectile difficulties, performance anxiety, and similarly common issues. There's a lot of pressure on both parties; and the way to best alleviate them is by being compassionate, understanding adults, which, as simple as it sounds, is the greenest flag out there.
