A Professional Photographer’s Guide on How to Take a Dick Pic

Looking to upgrade your locked Grindr album game? Want to surprise your boo with a tease for later? Or maybe you want to break into your OF era. We consulted a pro photographer on how to take a dick pic.

The Louvre, the Guggenheim, the Sistine Chapel, your camera roll... masterpiece nudes can be found in many galleries around the world. One of the most specific and intricate skills harnessed by the masters and still critiqued heavily to this day is taking a dick pic. From Michelangelo's David to "young_n_hung69🍆💦" on Grindr, a penis can stay ingrained in the mind forever, and making sure yours is exhibited in the best light, background, and state will ensure a positive perception of your pecker for potential pick-ups. This guide on how to take a dick pic will ensure your penis is documented so well that David Attenborough would want to narrate it.

Here's your five-step beginner's guide on how to take the best dick pics.

Step 1: The Ask - Always get consent

The first and most important step for taking a dick pic is asking, "Does the intended recipient of this lavish loin likeness WANT to see it?" Seeking consent for any sexual act whether it be in person or digitally is paramount for making sure no one's boundaries are being violated and that the recipient is willing and (ideally) appreciative of this gesture. Encroaching someone's personal comfort zone is a surefire way to kill any chance of communication with them and could even lead to your penis falling into the wrong hands (the photo, that is). Keep their feelings in focus and ensure your schlong is secure before venturing into the next step.

Step 2: The Tease - How to imply sexuality

In the words of film master, Alfred Hitchcock, "Always make the audience suffer as much as possible." No truer is the case with setting up for taking the perfect dick pic. One of the most integral parts of taking a dick pic is not actually taking a dick pic at all. The art of the tease can be just as, if not, more exciting than the actual delivery. Before sending your mast at full deployment, send some teasing images to really get the gears of your recipient grinding.

Taking a dick pic with only the outline visible through your underwear, or tenting up your sheets can be a fantastic intro to the climactic masterpiece. For some added kink, be sure to feature some precum soaking through those shorts. This will let your recipient know you're just as excited as they are, and keep them in anticipation for what is sure to cum...

Step 3: Establishing the Mood - Perspective, location, and your penis

What separates a dick pic masterpiece from any other production of art is perspective. Catching the subject in the proper perspective can change the perception of an anthill into Mt. Olympus. This factor is true as well when taking a dick pick perfectly. No matter how well-equipped your launchpad is, that rocket can easily turn into a paper airplane with the wrong angle and lighting.

Begin taking a dick pic with the concept of foreshortening and comparisons in mind. If you are already well-equipped, include an object for easy reference to show them exactly what kind of hardware they'll be dealing with. To show your penis size, anything from a soda can to your own hand is a great reference point to demonstrate your goods.

If you are looking to take a dick pic from a more artistic angle, attempt foreshortening. You can achieve this by taking a dick pic with your penis pointed directly at the camera. This will make your head appear bulbous, allowing your shaft to taper off into the distance that is your testicles and create the illusion of a massive pole regardless of how lengthy it might be.

Be sure that your space (and yourself) are clean and tidy. Cleanliness is a turn-on for most, so make your bed, tidy up your space, and clean your freaking bathroom mirror (no one falls for that "I need to clean my mirror" content anymore, you just look lazy). Second to your space, is yourself. While we shouldn't need to stress the necessity of personal hygiene [we do have a whole article on it, especially if you're planning to show a glimpse of your rosebud and taint], make sure that your nails are clean too! This is a prime tell for personal hygiene and a major turn-off for most people.

RELATED: Influencer Dirty Lola shares her secrets on how to take good booty pics!

Be mindful of your face when taking dick pics. Showing your face is completely up to your own comfort level, but as many in the media have experienced, careers and reputations have hinged on a leaked nude. If you are choosing to showcase your face, make sure the receiver is someone you trust. The same goes for tattoos or unique and obvious physical features that could pinpoint that peen's proprietor.

Step 4: Get Lost in Your Light - How to light your dick

No one likes an ill-lit photograph. Unless you're auditioning your dick to be in "Nightmare on Erm... Street", turn the dang lights on in your room. Creating a warm ambiance with yellow or orange bulbs will help add some life to your Longfellow and give it a sense of vitality. A blue bulb could spell "blue balls" with the wrong lighting, as cooler tones are often associated with either calming emotions or a lack of energy. No one wants a pic of a zombie dick.

If you want to get particularly artistic with shadows, use the cast of your mast to emphasize the length and stamina of your stiffy. The Shadow of Colossus can create an intriguing effect that adds a sense of regality and superiority to your mound masterpiece. Or, if you are partial to precum, be sure to catch a glimmer of the goo stuff in the shot. The gleam of the cream can literally make your dick look sparkling in sexuality and signal to your recipient that you're ready for more than just a pic exchange. You can accentuate the precum by making it sticky; tap on the head of your penis to get a nice long strand of semen gooping out like cheese on a stuffed crust pizza commercial and giving them... what they crave. If you aren't able to produce a photographable amount of precum, dap the tip of your penis with a thick lubricant to simulate the string.

Step 5: Curate the Climax - Photographing the money shot

All fantastic works of art need to give the viewer a climax to end the journey. It is in this part that the feast de resistance is up to the artist. If your intention is to super-seed (pun intended) the frame of taking a dick pic, then it a best to leave your recipient with something to look forward to and tease for a meeting. However, if your bag is more of a voyeuristic adventure, then you choose to showcase the semen tsunami as the end. Whether it be glistening off your own body to showcase more of your stature, or if you wanna keep it coy, sling your sperm on a solid colored fabric like a shirt, towel, or bedsheet. This makes the end result pop like a painting and keeps your clean-up easy to boot!

Overall, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and not everyone will be turned on by the same type of dick pic. If you sense a specific angle type isn't getting the reactions you like, try switching up your angles and lighting until you get the return of enthusiasm you're looking for. It isn't rocket science, just shooting your rocket.