Ass Me Anything: The Love Hunt

Welcome back to #AMA! I am Alexander Cheves, a sex writer who recently published a book! If you're interested in all the gritty details of my sexual journey, look for My Love Is a Beast, Confessions, which will be published in bookstores nationwide on October 12th from Unbound Edition Press.

I'm here to answer your questions on all things anal — from what is analingus to how to prepare for anal fisting and more. Let's dive in.

I have a vibrating snug plug XL, which I'm very happy with and find very comfortable. How long can I wear it (or any other plug) safely? — Crispy Cheese

There's no hard rule to this, Crispy. I know folks who wear plugs for many hours quite comfortably — some go all day, some go longer. The only limit you're bound by is the margin of comfort, which with proper lube is virtually limitless, along with your body's BM (bowel movement) clock. No matter how thoroughly you douche, you will never rid your system entirely of poop, and it's dangerous (and severe overkill) to try to do so.

MASTER: Learn how to clean before anal like a pro!

Deep cleaning is unhealthy, unsafe without experience, and in most cases and for most unnecessary. At some point, you will have to use the bathroom, which means you will need to take the plug out. And your body needs to release gas throughout the day, and plugs can prevent you from doing so. Gas buildup in your bowels will not especially hurt you if you wear it for several hours, but it might make you feel crampy and uncomfortable. And as anyone who has worn plugs for some time knows, gas always wins: If you build up enough gas and have to *cough*, that plug will come out.

As someone who has worn plugs for long stretches, I've made a noteworthy observation: I can't wear them at night. Humans release lots of gas while they sleep, and the plugs I wear are rather large, so I've nearly always pooped out a plug pretty early in the night when I've tried to wear one. I can't go longer than an hour in bed with a plug inside me I've also found that being horizontal with a plug inside my but is much less comfortable than walking around with one, so it's very hard for me to sleep with one in. I'd keep extended plug play to vertical hours.

With extended day wear, you'll have to take the plug out for a bit to let your body do what it needs to do, then put it back in. I have never supported starvation techniques in the service of butt play — if you want to wear a plug all day, that's fine, but eat normally and have normal BMs. Take the plug out when you need to, give it a little wash if you want, re-lube it, and pop it back in.

Hi Alexander, I am a 23 year old virgin from the Caribbean [who is] moving to the United Kingdom. Do you have any tips in terms of navigating the world of dating and sex in a new country? I desire a relationship with someone I have a connection with and share similar values. — Abundance 2.0

Hi Abundance 2.0! I can't tell from your question if you are queer or not, and without that info, I'm not sure how thorough I can be in my reply. Dating for queer folks (LGBTQIA+ folks) is different than for non-queer folks. I'm also not myself in the UK, so not all of my advice may be applicable there.

In the US, where I live, there are near-endless ways to find people to date, and I'd wager that most of these ways exist in the UK, too. Every stranger I interact with is technically a candidate for a more substantial relationship. But doing this can be intimidating and risky — not all strangers are safe, not all strangers take "no" for an answer — so many people choose not to do that. Many choose to date via an "association web." They find and vet people through the connections they already have. This means dating friends-of-friends, dating within defined social circles and structures (friends groups, cultural groups, religious communities, and so on). This can mean joining a sports team or local group orientated around shared interests (anime, gaming, books, whatever). And of course, many people date online, which obviously has its own risks and dangers, as no one is required to depict themselves truthfully online — but these dangers have been substantially dealt with since "online dating" became a scary, buzzy topic and talk of cyber predators has dwindled. Grandmothers date online now. There are smartphone apps that link to people's Facebook pages and show mutual friends (Tinder) as well as apps that allegedly foster climates of honesty and relationship-oriented pursuit (Hinge). And I know many queer men who have stumbled into relationships with men they meet on casual sex apps like Grindr and Scruff. There are websites for people who are interested in kink and BDSM as well as sites where people into various other things can meet (though, I must say that the more niche and illicit your interests are, the less you'll find online cultures of transparency — shame often keeps people with tabooed interests from being honest about who they are online).

All this is to say that you have options! These options exist regardless if you are queer or not. Queerness just makes the pursuit a bit harder, as not all spaces and groups — online and otherwise — are queer or queer-friendly. Many queer folks are, unfortunately, forced to make queerness — the most basic shared trait among those of us outside cis-het life – the filtering option we use. We queers are so rarely allowed to filter dating options by gaming fandom or music taste because many of us are simply trying to find other queers, period. So queerness will make your filters different, and depending on where you live, it might make the hunt a bit harder. But keep at it, and you'll eventually find the spaces and social/sexual circles you fit in and the people you connect with. It took me years, but I eventually found my people, and they have blessed and loved me more than I thought anyone would, and they will bless and love you, too.

Complications from wearing a butt plug too long? — Late Bloomer

Hey Bloomer, see my reply to your dear comrade at the top! p.s. Don't forget that training for anal is actually a thing.

Cheers,

Alex

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