Anal Sex for Beginners – Course 1: Taboo, Desire, and Communication

The ass is considered the universal orifice because regardless of gender or sexual orientation, every body has a butt and the potential to find pleasure from them. If you're curious about anal play or anal sex but have reservations, don't know where to start, or how to bring it up to your partner, you've come to the right place.

Anal Sex: Embracing Desire and Breaking Taboos

Whether or not we're aware of it, most of us are a little butt-shy. Taboos around sexuality and misinformation about anal play can inhibit some people from expressing their desire for butt stuff. Common misconceptions about anal exploration include concerns around pain, hygiene, or implications about someone's sexuality.

Does Anal Sex Hurt?

A: If you play safely and follow a few tips for anal play, it shouldn't hurt. Remember that anal sex mantra of communication, relaxation, and lubrication to help minimize any pain associated with anal. Stay away from numbing agents such as lubes containing lidocaine or benzocaine, which take away sensation wherever they're applied. Besides numbing your pain receptors so your body can't warn you if you are getting hurt, they also inhibit you from feeling the pleasurable sensation anal play can provide.

Is Anal Sex Messy?

A: Anal doesn't have to be messy, but sex isn't 100 tidy, either. Personal hygiene, douching, and staying well hydrated can help minimize the likelihood of getting messy during play. Safer sex supplies such as gloves, dental dams, and condoms can also make clean up a lot easier.

Does Anal Sex Make Me Gay?

A: Wanting to explore your butt doesn't have any bearing on your sexual identity, and enjoying anal sex doesn't make you gay. Only you can decide what your sexual orientation is, and it's not based solely on finding pleasure from any particular orifice or act. And as a reminder, gay isn't an insult. It's one of the infinite possible expressions of sexual orientation.

Why Do People Like Anal?

A: Many people like anal play because it feels amazing! When we're aroused, blood rushes to all of our erogenous zones and makes them engorged or erect, more sensitive to touch, and more receptive of stimulation. The same is true for your butt. When you're warming up for anal play, engage other parts of your body including your imagination, all of your senses, and your skin. Try not to be goal orientated with anal. Not all sex needs to rush towards an orgasm to be hot. The experience of getting aroused and feeling all of the pleasurable sensations can be the sexiest part of your anal journey.

Is There More To Anal Than Just Penetration?

A: Anal is also more than just penetration with a penis. Consider oral anal play (aka analingus), incorporating external vibration or message, using fingers, and trying out different anal plugs, beads, and dildos. If you're curious about pegging, warm up by using your hands or smaller toys before using a harness and dildo.

Anal Sex and Fantasy

Some people enjoy the feeling of fullness they get from anal, while others like it because it pushes the bounds of their existing sex, others like to incorporate anal into their power play, role play, or gender play. Whatever your reason is for trying anal, remember that the basis of all good sex is positive communication based on mutual desire.

How to Get Started with Anal Play: Communication

We frequently hear from anal-curious folks who have the desire to try out butt play, but don't know how to bring it up to their partners. As with anything new we want to try in the bedroom, positive communication, safety, and respect are the key to safe and pleasurable anal sex.

Be Prepared To Hear The Word 'NO'

Communicate your desire for butt play enthusiastically, and frame the conversation positively. Don't focus on what's missing in your sex life, but rather on new things you'd like to explore together. Sex should be desire, and not coercion or obligation. Be willing to hear "no" if your partner isn't interested in or ready to explore anal.

Specifics Matter When It Comes To Anal

Be specific about what you mean when you say you're interested in anal. Do you want to be the giver or receiver? Do you want to try external stimulation, penetration, or both?  Are there toys, techniques, or positions you'd like to try?

Introduce Anal Toys (If They Say Yes!)

Get familiar with different types of anal toys. Snug Plugs are a great place to start if you're looking for anal plugs that give you room to level up. The Snug Plug 1 is an excellent beginner butt plug that's the size of a small finger. Try the Novice Plug for a beginner-friendly anal vibe. Start small and work your way up to beaded toys, longer toys, or toys with more girth or a larger range of functions.

Set Your Boundaries and Have A Safeword

Negotiate your play before you get into the bedroom. Knowing your partner's (and your) desires and limits are really important in ensuring that everyone gets the sex they want. Don't worry about how this will affect spontaneity. You can still be spontaneous in the moment, while getting a strong sense of what's on the table before you play. Your out-of-the-bedroom sex conversation should include talking about safewords and aftercare ahead of time. In the bedroom, check in frequently about what's working and what needs to be adjusted. Be vocal if you're feeling discomfort and if something feels good. Constant feedback helps you get the sex you want!

Still unsure about how to bring up anal play? Here are 4 (actionable) tips specifically for talking about anal sex: 

1.  Create a butt-themed Yes/ No/ Maybe list together. You can include acts like rimming, anal fingering, specific anal toys you want to use, booty worship, spanking, prostate play, pegging, butt-centered role plays, massage, penetration with a penis or dildo, or any other butt-related activity you can think of.

2. Read butt-themed erotica with your partner as a way to dip into fantasy and exploration. Baby Got Back by Rachel Kramer Bussel is a compilation of anal erotica that's an excellent place to get started.

3. Try out a sex game. Many sex games including sex dice, card games, couples board games, and position books include options for anal play. Games are a really lighthearted way to try anal play while also exploring other possibilities of pleasure.

4. Invite your partner into a conversation around your current sexual desires, and open the door for sharing fantasies. Actively listening as well as actively sharing can really take the pressure off of just one person stating their desire. If you're feeling shy or nervous, you can also write down your fantasies or wishes, and trade with each other.

Anal Play 101

Overcoming anal taboos and finding your desire with anal play can be an empowering and pleasurable process. Check out our anal play guides for more tips on exploring safe and fun anal play!